By, Karl Huey – O2X Instructor
We all had different experiences in the military. We had different jobs, ranks, titles, rates. We had various backgrounds before joining, various amounts of time served, various numbers of deployments, various awards and accolades, evaluations and fitreps. What we all have in common is that at some point that military service ends. Whether we retire after a 20+ year career, or separate after our first three-year contract, at some point we all become “disgusting” civilians again. Transitioning out of the military can be hard, with many unforeseen complications surrounding the process of returning to civilian life. It may seem like the long awaited “greener grass” we’ve been talking about for years with our fellow service members while sharing an MRE on a field exercise. However, when it’s time to take the leap, it’s scary. I know friends who separated and regretted it, friends who never looked back, and everything in between. What I’ve learned is that – much like our time in service – we all have different experiences when transitioning back to civilian life. Here are three key points from my own transition which I hope will help you thrive in the next chapter of your life.
Maintain your friendships.
For as long as you’ve been in the military, you’ve been part of a group. You’ve formed bonds of friendship that can only be developed in the harsh settings the military provides – boot camp, FTXs, OCS, A-school, deployment, TBS, BUD/s, whatever it was for each of us. Stressful conditions make for iron bonds of friendship (and hilarious stories which are only funny to those who were there). You’ve spent years developing those bonds. DO NOT LET THEM SLIP AWAY. You are about to step away from that group. You won’t be in the office, the team room, or the communal showers anymore (thank God). Still, find a way to stay connected to the friends you’ve made in the military. This is hard. It will require work, and you will find that some friendships are unsustainable and will eventually fall off. This can be difficult to cope with, but it is normal and part of life. Think of it like going to a new unit or PCS-ing to a new command. You might have more time on your hands to reach out to old friends – or you may not, as you are going through a huge life change. You might feel like an outsider, and not know how to reach out to your old friends. But your military friends understand what you’ve been through, and you might find that’s hard to replace in the civilian world.
How I do it:
Today, with social media and the internet, there is no excuse to not stay in touch with friends who are willing to put in the effort to remain friends. I’ve found that fantasy football leagues work great for me. I am in two leagues: one with my close group of friends from the Naval Academy, and one with my old SEAL Team Three platoon. I get my ass kicked pretty regularly, but I love getting to text my weekly opponent to talk some trash. The conversation inevitably turns to more substantial topics, and we get to reconnect and catch up on what’s happening in each other’s lives. It’s been a great way for me to stay connected to my old teammates and have some fun along the way.
Find a new “Group”
This might seem to contradict what I just said, but finding a new group of friends is the way forward in the process of transitioning to civilian life. Maintaining your old military friendships is important, but odds are those will be long distance friendships. Unless you start your next career as the bouncer for McP’s in Coronado, odds are you won’t see your team guy friends every Friday night anymore. Finding a new “group” to belong to can stave off feelings of isolation, loneliness, and regret after leaving service that so many find themselves dealing with. Surrounding yourself with good people and positive relationships is one of the best ways to thrive in a new environment.
Making friends as an adult is difficult, and making civilian friends after years in the service can be even more daunting. You might even have to temper your humor, as making certain jokes usually doesn’t land in normal society. However, other than moderating the occasional crude joke, being yourself has always been the best advice when meeting new people. Put yourself out there, be genuine, laugh, and you’ll find yourself a new group of buddies to surround yourself with during this next chapter of your life.
How I do it:
I love doing activities. Whatever your hobby is, do it, and meet other people doing it too. BOOM – you now have an automatic shared interest with other people doing that activity. I grew up playing ice hockey, so the first thing I did when I moved to my new city was to find the nearest ice rink and join a beer league. Getting to play hockey is always something I’ve enjoyed, and meeting a bunch of other over-the-hill hockey players was a great way to make new friends to share a pitcher of beer with. Whatever your hobbies are, do them, and you’ll be exposed to other like-minded individuals who share your passions. Whether it’s an adult sports league, CrossFit, trivia, group hikes, or grabbing lunch with your new coworkers, go out of your way to spend time with those people and find your new “group.”
Remember your “Why”
In the Navy we had a saying: “a bitching sailor is a happy sailor.” We all leave the service for different reasons, but I guarantee you didn’t make it through your time without a few complaints along the way. Remember the things you disliked about being active duty and capitalize on how your life can be more fulfilling now without those barriers in your way. There are a lot of “pros” to being in the military, but they don’t come without their own set of “cons.” Write them down if you have to. Make the proverbial “greener grass” of civilian life ACTUALLY greener. I think this point often gets lost along the way, as most of us tend to look back on our time through rose-colored glasses. But don’t forget to take those cherry memories with a grain of salt; for every fond memory, there are probably quite a few annoying, frustrating, or downright miserable times (do I need to bring up the communal showers again?). I’m not saying don’t reminisce about the good ol’ days. Hold those memories tight. But don’t forget to recognize the sacrifice that comes with being in the military and focus on the benefits of now being a civilian.
How I do it:
My mother was in the Air Force, and I moved around a lot as a kid. I moved five times before I graduated high school, and another three times as an adult in the military. I’ll be honest; I hate moving. Not only that, but I got married in my last year on active duty. I wanted to settle down, start a family, and plant roots, without moving my family from one duty station to the next. I didn’t want to miss out on months of my future children’s lives while being away for training or deployment. I’m also a child of divorce, and I probably don’t need to mention the stress of being in the military. These were driving factors in my decision to separate from the Navy. I try to constantly keep in mind the reasons I chose to leave the military service behind, and how I can now take advantage of the new opportunities afforded to me. I get to sleep at home every night, in my own bed, with a regular schedule, and know that I won’t have to pack up and leave in a year. I even got to choose where I live for the first time in my life. I haven’t regretted my decision to separate from the military a single day yet.
I hope these strategies provide some level of guidance on how to navigate life after the military and return to civilian life. It’s a hard topic, and one you won’t get in those VA brochures they throw at you when you walk out on your last day. Everyone’s journey is different, and everyone’s journey is difficult. But if you can keep the relationships you’ve built, find a new circle of good friends to surround yourself with, and keep constantly in mind the reasons you decided to leave the military behind, you’ll be better prepared for the trials ahead. Focus on getting 1% better every day, and you’ll thrive in whatever adventure awaits you next. Cheers!
About O2X Instructor Karl Huey:
Karl is an O2X Lead Instructor. Karl attended the US Naval Academy, where he played four years of ACHA ice hockey and graduated with a degree in quantitative economics. After, he started his Naval Special Warfare career and graduated with BUD/s class 325. He served on SEAL Team THREE, where he deployed to Iraq in support of Operation Inherent Resolve. He then moved to Florida to serve at Special Operations Command SOUTH. At SOCSOUTH, he deployed to Haiti in support of USSOUTHCOM Joint Task Force Haiti and served as the advisor for maritime special operations in the Caribbean region.
About O2X Human Performance:
O2X Human Performance provides comprehensive, science-backed programs to hundreds of public safety departments, federal agencies, and the military. O2X works with clients to elevate culture, improve mental and physical wellbeing, support healthy lifestyles, and reduce healthcare costs associated with injuries and illnesses. Driven by results and cutting edge research, O2X programs are designed and delivered by a team of Special Operations veterans, high level athletes, and hundreds of leading experts in their respective fields of human performance.
